Today is Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) the BIG one before lent . I wanted to go out today , however my mood has been more morose than usual . I have been busy with doctors and writing. I want to do some reading since I felt as if my mind might turn to mush. Ever since I had to do what I call "battle" their have been some milestones in my progression . NOthing mainly to big except I have an obgyn, now and well for lack of a better phrase " is checking out the plumbing " . I am having difficulty with this cycles' period , their maybe more scar tissue , Jesus help me if I have any more kids. A year ago I would have never thought myself this strong and / or resiliant. Not to mention where this memory progression started . Which, stating what I had previously posted for ALL the one people that might be following, truly began on tuesday November 04, 2004. It was the first time I (thought) I had first seen the former senator and future president Barack Obama, I remember the crowd roaring , I however did not find anything about him very ,at the time ,impressive.
I was on the phone with a colleague of mine and told her I would call her back . I did and did and did and did . She never returned the phonecall.
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Dear God ,
The anxiety has back with a survere force , I feel no peace,I wish I could speak to some one who would fully understand , I don’t know what I need , they say it’ll get better , but how can they if there is nothing wrong with me I know it is I guess I just have to wait till I see jimmenz , but I was so fucken doped I could accurately explain in , he seemed like a a tremendous asshole . uh uh yeah well blahblah time to go it only took him a couple od seconds . god whay wont you help me . please whatever I did wrong god I apologize and beg for some forgiveness , please show me the way guide me and direct towards what I need to do what I need to get me out of this please. God I just want the fear to go away .
I am so scared how could these things be in my mind just my mind. I know they are not and if the are theres nothing I can do about it , and I just want to cope and find and I don’t think I have .but most of all I want to figure out whats going on .and I want the anxiety to go away , god please just let that go away . I am so frightened this things are true , god I believe them so much all I want is some clarity and peace . why why wont you give me that , just a little …please. Show me where to go and what to do . I am frightened of losing my mother and me being the cause of it . there is so much of it I cant imagine it being false I don’t know what to do besides wait out the days until something happens or until its explained to me . please please god help me .
circa February 2007.
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