This might be one of the most personal blogs I will ,probably, ever write. This particular time of the this particular month. Is drenched in hidden pain ,love and equal horror. Its at times like these I am supposed to realize that the fact that any of this had Love in it then that's what I should remember the most. Partially, due to the fact , that in all that fear and evil that there was any kind of love should be a big enough miracle for everybody involved in this situation. Which, despite all internal instinct , as far I can see am the only one left all this internal conflict. I do feel so utterly alone . Yesterday the 12th was the 8th anniversary of my ..ugh.. dead friend Gerard's passing . It was also around this time the winter olympics where going on as well. It was a horrible day the night before , was insight to what the next and last years of my life felt like :left out. I was in detroit , I had just meet the drummer from creed the lead vocalist was to tired or whatever to see us . Gerard although an avid punk , loved "the song" my sacrifice" because at the time he had made so many sacrifices for I and the rest of the people he cared so deeply for . Gerard was one of those people to whom you couldnt get enough of. He spoke to the drummer on the phone , he was haullicinating and was imaging that I and several other people where there with him.
To know that you meant soo much to a person that they remembered you at the point of death and not being able to "really" be there is an odd twisting since of confusion . To think of it this day it still just stuns me and your left with that quiet feeling that something serious just happened. Those times that show who you really are as a person: raw, uncut and human. Well when we got back from Michigan (Detroit Rock CIty WooT wOOt) Gerard was dead. He had died with a smile on face , mother condescendingly belittled my feelings of bewilderment, I felt like today alone in my pain , no one else knew what it was like for me , this boy had given my first kiss . We cuddled in his bed , towards the end of his life I visited him as much as I could . Even in silence just to soak up his presence.
That leads me to today being the one year anniversary I danced for Dave Grohl the way I "transmitted" to him that I would of danced for him at our wedding . Which , by the looks of it , we where never going to have. I gave that number my all . All the passion or down here we call it duande , He had showed up with jimmy and "cousin" Kay , Jason ,(my cousin and how I meet Greg), Jorge and Tina ,Michelle, Amy , Dane (who had hooked up with my other younger cousin ), and Stefani. At this point I want to make it clear that these where his friends not mine. Stefani and him had been seeing each other on and off since I met up with him again in vegas. Two months after giving the eulogy at Gerards' funeral , with people I had sadly mistaken as friends. I did my piece to massive attacks "teardrop" ,at one point I revealed the emblem for him I tattooed in the middle of my chest the star of David.
At that point he made a gesture to approach me , or say something. I looked him in the eye , he feel to his knees and clutched his heart , someone grabbed him and helped him up but by the time I turned full circle and turned my head , He was headed out the door . I had made plans with other people , however after that moment , everybody went to go party with the supposed "elite" , and left the Goddess behind for a handful of succubi . I heard from some douche , they had a 4:20 party. When I left that club which is no longer in business , I didn't know if I was going to loose or win , but at that moment I knew I had to try. Well, we all remember how that turned out. So why isn't Monique here ? She morning over her loss and the absence of my creation . As muse, mother, woman God, crone, warrior, child, virgin, courtesan , betrayed and all alone . So taken in as far as the title goes its a song a great song , because only a fool for love would have to such extremes.
At the least the longest time you never played for anyone but me , now that's intimate.
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