After graduation at my high school, named after the city in which it was built,I began working on my dreams and going to school. At that time I had a well paying job, that put me through massage therapy school at the local community college. Being sick most of my childhood I hadn't spend much of my time with my fellow peers. There always seemed to be a certain stigma that lingered on me . I was the cancer girl, the one in the wheelchair and the such . Then as unaware as I was I began gaining self-confidence almost like that of a child to be bold , unashamed, and utterly me. Then by the time I was 22 half of the country knew who I was and for the most part hated me. About 8 jobs later, a bout with a nasty cocaine habit. Not to mention the countless amounts of pills , mushrooms, weed , cigarettes and alcohol that had passed through my system caused me to have a heart attack.
......................................................................................
Dear God,
My mother as I know it is not going to get fired. Thank you , I guess if it is you to thank , my anxiety and fear has subsided mainly due to the medication they have me on . Anthony and joe called the other day and I can only assume it was to see what was going on . one way or another I have to come to terms with what has happened , maybe this thing happened maybe they didn’t , but all I know is everyone is talking about which is so fustrating with someone like my mother, typically she continues to see the world in rose-colored glasses , I have given up on ever finding a friend , union or connection however I fell your absence even more so than I have stopped praying, unless this could be considered praying , I know you exist since I have seen the devil now and I cant deny you , my conception of your love and involvement in my life is under great reconsideration . youre soooo far away , how could let this happen , why why why fills my head and my heart crys out for an answer and yet you are silent , I feel something inside me has died and I will never be the carefree happy go lucky girl I once was it comes out sometimes with my grandma only because to me she embodies everything wholesome and good and feel whatever’s left of it is inside and once she is gone , then all that will be gone, it is in my deepest hope that you will send me someone to love , a friend to care for who truly ccares for me as well but that seems as unlikely as the miracle I thought you would send there is no way pushing these things out of my head I don’t jesus to come back I just want them to get on with their lives and leave mine alone , once again an impossibility I don’t ever see coming my way . God where the fuck are you , I am a lost sheep crying for its sheep hard and you are no where in sight , come find come get me , I am co9ld and lonely , the response I receive is the echo of my own crying. PPPPLLLLLLLEASEE show that youre out their and you love me please in way that I know its you , even if you have comedown and touch me privately why would that be , I hate it when mother demeans my have pain and anger towards as ungratefulness , I guess in her mind if I am just being ungrateful and begging for antentation then none of this actually happened and she can go on blaming me because that’s whats safe for her but in my gut I have hate hate towards everything you created in my life , there so hate and pain , I need help with it youre help not anybody elses .
....................................................................................
No comments:
Post a Comment