Today ..

Today has been relatively peaceful I received some good news and we will just have to see if it pans out. I didn't have the energy to go to the hospital today. Yesterday all the people were really hyper for being in a program but they got to me a little and I needed to leave, plus there was an intense secession with one of the patients and that was a little draining.There is always something to do here something to be cleaned or looked upon . I know this but I feel a surmounting sense of boredom which leads to anxiety . The hours that Jackie are away seem like a laughing joke , I just wait for her to come back and am a little anxious. I know she has done some bad things and her presence is a reminder to my pain which I feel utterly alone in it .
Which whenever I look upon osho I get the same thing that this feeling of loneliness is a pain or feeling I've carried on through many lifetimes and I must realize that it is only like this for a while. But I wish there where some word or prayer that I could utter that would take away all the hostility and anxiety that I have. However even I know there is nothing that works that quickly and does so for a reason . Yes , I am sad and even a little depressed and wish my life wasn't so isolated and so limited . I hate that it is it feels like a punishment but not by God the Father the people whom calm to be gods , or at least act as if they where.
almost like my sense peace I once used to hold and carry with me every where I went was envied upon and that evil has attached itself to me and wont rest until it drags me down with it . Plus I wish people would pray more for me , for peace to the holy mother Mary. It feels like a lot of just hanging on and the denial to ask god for help when its out there for all of us if we only just look out and ask . But its not always as fast as we want it but its there . I just wish I could watch a t.v. show with out having to be constantly writing or with my hands in something. I deserve a sense of peace .