Usually this takes Weed and a lot of it.

Dear Diary ,

Today when I woke up I seemed to be guided by a sense of purpose. So I took out all of my tarot cards . Being a gnostic I hold fast to all of mystic traditions in which I seek to further expand my soul. My vision and in great times of need , I have been able to look upon these oracle cards as a sign of great comfort . When ever I began to write I wonder if anybody is hearing me , since no one ever leaves comments or chooses to follow me , its a bit well lets get down to it its embarrassing to know so many could be and probably are drawing inspiration from my work, yet I don't even get an thank you and in fact people seek to make my life harder. I have been wracking my brain to figure out why , people seem to respond with immediate pride, ignorance , and hate or at the very least fear.Then in one of my readings come out St. Joan of Arc and commitment as a guarding angel . To I this can mean and be interpreted as only one way MY dedication to God and my ability to lead even with out recognition , means and proves I am the real deal. Not supposed, certainly undeniably the gnosis messiah , the holy ghost sent forth to bring about a christ-like concionous.
Now I do not the fear of knowing there is a God, I don't but I find it , excuse me, so fucking frustrating. This life has so much more to offer than the naked eye can see , Yes and Alleluia . We are here for more , much more . Now I have been going through a bit of an episode . Trauma victims have a lot of anxiety and are always waiting for the last shoe to drop, so to speak. There are at least five new dead people in my area , I saw the crack down at the barne's and noble , it was that day that the police escorted some young people out for not working there and then I saw them check this one girls trunk and the pale faces of the ones who found them. I don't know who has passed and how this happened. I cant make you all obey me , I know this , but how much murder is enough? and what hurts the most is that my others are so close yet they do not seek me out to comfort me , yes even I desperately pray to the angels for resolve , I mean its not like we cant be seen together, we have done nothing wrong or at least I know I haven't. Please pray for me .