The following segments were written in the beginning of 2007.
Dear God ,
The anxiety has back with a survere force , I feel no peace,I wish I could speak to some one who would fully understand , I don’t know what I need , they say it’ll get better , but how can they if there is nothing wrong with me I know it is I guess I just have to wait till I see jimmenz , but I was so fucken doped I could accurately explain in , he seemed like a a tremendous asshole . uh uh yeah well blahblah time to go it only took him a couple od seconds . god whay wont you help me . please whatever I did wrong god I apologize and beg for some forgiveness , please show me the way guide me and direct towards what I need to do what I need to get me out of this please. God I just want the fear to go away .
I am so scared how could these things be in my mind just my mind. I know they are not and if the are theres nothing I can do about it , and I just want to cope and find and I don’t think I have .but most of all I want to figure out whats going on .and I want the anxiety to go away , god please just let that go away . I am so frightened this things are true , god I believe them so much all I want is some clarity and peace . why why wont you give me that , just a little …please. Show me where to go and what to do . I am frightened of losing my mother and me being the cause of it . there is so much of it I cant imagine it being false I don’t know what to do besides wait out the days until something happens or until its explained to me . please please god help me .
Dear God,
The reality of these situations scares me beyond belief , and the prospect of ishie’s future frightens me as well , how can I live in peace now , when I know what is to come . I ask and ask plead and I plead . yet I receive no response , every time I walk into her room when she isn’t here and her scent lingers in the air hours after she’s gone I break down in tears , one day that scent will linger then fade away forever ;[ side-note( I became scarred that something would happen to my mother)-2011], she is my every thing , I regret it took so much for me to see that and now that I do shell be gone so , I assume our relationship would like that of grandma’s and hers long with plenty of ups and downs ,luxurious and full . she and the rest of the world expects me to simply accept it and move on with my life no seem to be sympathetic with my point of view , of course every one is very good at telling me what they would do from their point of view , but nobody is considering why I am so scared , why I feel so helpless, why this is so hard just because they hear one tenth of the story doesn’t mean they have heard it all . God and it is so fustrating to feel like I have no voice as child everyone wanted to listen to know what was going , but now no one gives a shit , just get over it but if it were happening to them itd be an entirely different story.
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