Anger ..Loss ..and betrayal.

Since the last time I wrote I have realized my feelings of quilt and shame have subsided . Anger, grief and the feelings of betrayal now fill my soul.
I feel a sadness that is never ending . Its almost going to be two years since Dave Grohl's death. I return to certain memories weather out of choice or a result of my mind remembering the shattered pieces of pass. I am so angry over the feelings of helplessness I suffered as a child due to its brutality. Anger, because my words of warning hadnt been heeded and the people who killed themselves over this . Here at home the scene isnt the same it seems like a ghost of what had happened at times . However that could just be me becoming dis-illusioned . The more and more I go out people re-tell parts of the story . But the part of the story that people dont tell are of the nights where I cry out of ache from loss. The nights and days spent alone in my room with just his songs and memories left to comfort me. Although they bring back feelings of fierce betrayal . What did I do personally to David to deserve his planned revenge? What had I done to all my friends and even my cousins to stab me in the back to plan not only my death but Davids as well.
Which leads to me to wonder why did my father have to be murdered? Furthermore why did his friends or "known enemies" have to keep raping me? I think satans' motives were to kill or crush the goddess inside of me.The best way I can explain it is when we are children we all fear monsters under the bed or hidden in the closet and for most of us our irrational fears are quieted by loving parents. However mine were real and they didnt stop as a child . One gruesome memory I have is on one night there was a back yard party happening at my friend Camerons' house. We were getting high in his room , when I over heard him say that Anthony and Axel had come into town . I remember saying I didnt give a fuck as long as they stayed away from me . Well around 9:00 at night we had received a phone call that one of our friends needed help , he was about to get in a fight. We all grabbed our beers and headed down to the skate park. When we got their Anthony , Axel , Matt stone , Trey Parker , Dave Grohl and varied amount of girls that always followed him around . Either threatening to kill him if he ever left Gwen or Hayley for a fucken spic. Little did they know I am only an 1/8 hispanic and David was 1/4 hispanic .......to be continued.