Shame and Disappointment

I wish I could drive nails up my arms and gouge out my eyes . I wonder if I put myself in a state of constant misery if people could believe me. Along with several others memories , those mainly concerned with Russell Brand and a gang rape that occurred in April of 2002 , feelings of shame and severe disappointment have filled my being .Last Saturday was busy, busy, busy. I had my poetry work shop in the afternoon then after that I had a healing circle that started right after. In the healing circle we give and receive pranic or reiki healing , then we usually eat have a glass of wine or two (given who shows up) . All in all a nice time. Well I had been feeling agitated that whole day . Like , I have said Memories are starting to manifest themselves in my dreams and there are days where I will be channel surfing. Just to find a certain video playing or Russell brand promoting whatever movie he is butchering next and typically it will bring back a memory or two or even more.

Then I am faced with what I have remembered and the reality that glares back from the screen. In between me waiting in line to buy food with food stamps and children going blind in Calcutta from water being to poisoned with fluoride to drink , to Russell Brands million dollar wedding in India , I realize how unfair life is. And why it is , because people allow it to happen. During my time to receive healing energies from my fellow mystics (some do believe some dont , I dont spend my time on preaching , those chosen are already there wherever I go. Besides I use my written word for that) could feel how heavy the energy around me was I was holding onto old ways of thinking/being and or acting and that I was holding in all lot of resentments .

After they where done with me I laid there for several minutes digesting what had been said? Did I have resentments and the answer was a clear yes . But what was the exact cause my abuse and sexual molestation is beginning to became more accepted by my psychological ego as simply irreversible. For I have learned none of these things were remotely decent, okay or even legal . Yet they cannot be undone there is nothing simply except acceptance for the pain that has occurred in any ones life. What was bothering me..I hummed myself deeper into meditation while my mind broke away at the physic knot I was feeling. Then this surge of overwhelming energy just burst right out of me . I laid there and weep a deep silent one . THe kind women only like to do alone.

Either before or after the fight that happened last year to finding out Dave Grohl had been murdered within hours of me arriving at a hostel in Austin ( and dead body was held in the back room adjacent to where I would sleep for three days unaware.) I realized I felt guilty, ashamed and disappointed . Not only as a sexually abused child, but as a woman , as a lover , as a daughter but above all as Goddess. My mother closed the door on Dave Grohl when he successfully escaped in the middle of the night, to our house asking for me. She left him for an angry mob that was only a few feet away , which later killed him . You see she believed she was in a relationship with Dave Grohl when in reality they only spoke when he wanted to find out how I was doing or around christmas when she "needed" something usually sex whenever she wasnt engaged in a relationship.

Now, this is where I begin to feel ashamed , He would at the great support of Axel and Anthony because I was supposed to be devotedly in love with these men that would rape me and later torture and kill my father , no not Dave( Greg) ANYBODY but him !!! , would come to el paso and have sexual relations with my mother . Then when he would explain to her how he would only have sex with her a certain way and never kiss her because he wanted to be with me when I got older and could never be with her...Lets just say the ages of 9-12 where difficult for me especially around christmas. I could never understand why my mother hated me so much and why she needed to show it physically as well as express it verbally. Her favorite thing to do was to hit me while she called me fat and stupid.

As the Gnostic Messiah I am ashamed in my creation being humanity.I have every ounce of faith that my god jesus christ will lead me out of this . I just wish I had something to hope for maybe one day people will ask for help. But until then it seems I am unneeded .